I hope you enjoyed that, I thought about posting that up after I grabbed an Atari 5200 at a Savers today.From: benjohnson@aol.com (BenJohnson)
Subject: 50 Thrift-Shop Rules (By request)
I've gotten quite a few requests for a re-post, so why not? It's not
*that* bad!
I re-read it, and I have to admit, I sure was in a demented mood! Wheee!
*
*
* Ben Johnson's Incomplete Guide to Thrift-Shops
* with help from Brian Hammack
****************
The Rules of The Game:
#1 You are always arrive ten minutes too late for the best
selection and you always leave ten minutes too early, missing the
shelves being restocked.
#2 Resist the temptation to buy the underwear. (I'm still
scratching)
#3 If you find a phone number and name scratched into a cartridge, its
an invitation to call. Say your name is Mr. McGoo, and listen to the
screams of terror.
#4 If your in the crowd waiting for the store opening, shout `hey
it's Bob Ross' and point far away toward something bushy. You'll
have the store to yourself.
#5 A gentleman will never accept free sex and will never run to
the cart section. Don't be a gentleman.
#6 Cartridges are priced based on size and not on quality: Atari 400/800
bit carts are cheap and 5200 carts are expensive.
#7 Don't make eye contact with anybody in the bathroom.
#8 You will have less money than you need, by either a whole
dollar amount when you're with people or by a few cents when
you're alone. (h)
#9 Use a multitester to quickly find the rare aluminum-foil Combat
label variation. Sure nobody will talk to you, but you got the
little voices to keep you company.
#10 It's not your eyesight, the food in the cafeteria dances to
it's own drummer.
#11 Wear tight leathers and shove carts down your pants. Trust me,
*nobody* will ask for them back.
#12 If you find a really nice cart, it's usually un-priced and
gets thrown into the `to be priced' bin, never to be seen again.
#13 If you find a great cart but are devoid of cash, stash it in the
macrame/quilt section. Nobody will ever look there....
#14 Check the macrame/quilt section for stashed carts.
#15 If you meet another collector, confidently buy all the Combat
carts and make him think that you know something he doesn't.
#16 Refrain from bathing for a few days, then use a Combat cart as
a deodorant stick and put it back on the shelf. That'll scare the
competition.
#17 The cart is at full price now, but will be gone when the half-
price sale comes along in three days. (h)
#18 `she said she was 18' is no excuse...oh sorry, wrong list.
#19 If you buy a system, pop a cart into the slot. Most likely
they checkout people will never notice it.
#20 While nobodys looking, shuffle across the carpet, building a
static charge, then zap the Case the Chuckwagon cart that you
don't have money for.
#21 They throw out working Vectrex's because they think they're
broken TV's.
#22 Unfortunately a thrift-store date doesn't impress as much as
the Monster Truck Rally date would.
#23 If the price for each cart is 61 cents, present the carts to
the checkout lady upside-down. (bad results are obtained with 19
cent carts)
#24 Make little houses out of the unsold carts and put little toys
inside. He he he haaaaaa.
#25 Don't make fun of the other shoppers, especially the fat
Elvis-seeing ladies, they might sit on you.
#26 If you tell someone you'll pick something up for them, the
item will have disappeared by the next day. (h)
#27 Sneak behind the counter and use the store-wide megaphone. `A
free loaf of Velveta for everyone who kisses the bathroom door-
knob' is fun to watch.
#28 Buy a $.99 Sega Light Gun: If you shove it in your front
trouser pocket, you look well endowed. ( Don't point it at Police
Officers )
#29 At the checkout stand, count the carts for the checker. 1, 2,
3, 4, 5, 6, 7......Five carts.
#30 The person in front of you in the checkout line is buying the
cool carts you just missed.
#31 If you just want the overlays, stuff them into a paperback,
then buy it.
#32 Drool a lot. Sometimes you get a ten percent discount.
#33 You won't have your VGR onhand when you come across a trove,
thus you will buy a bunch of C's or U's and leave the R's and ER's
behind (then they'll be gone the next time you're in, having
perused the list immediately after you got home). (h)
#34 For prompt service just say in a calm and collected tone: I'm
from the post office.
#35 If you see Vectrex carts but no unit, prepare to make a
midnight prowl of the dumpsters. Just remember that the tapioca
pudding you may find is not fit for consumption.
#36 The more the label is worth to you, the higher the likelihood
that the previous owner used the cart as a coffee coaster. (h)
#37 Remember, someone's dead grandmother knitted that afghan that
you are about to buy for your doghouse.
#38 Sometimes your knowledge lies. Everyone talks about wanting
Stampede but no one will buy it when you find a copy to sell. (h)
#39 See how many people you can get `Pac-Man Fever' stuck in their
heads. If that doesn't work `test' a stereo with a Jackson Five cassette
for a few hours.
#40 Carts neatly arranged in rows, end labels up, separated by
system type in the bins will not stay that way, though there is no
logical reason why anyone would have to pull them out and lay them
randomly in whatever bins. (h)
#41 Most Atari carts are intuitive creatures: the more you want
one, the better they hide. Combat carts, lacking this ability, are
readily found.
#42 Tell the confused lady behind the checkout stand that the
carts are actually 8-tracks and cost only $0.19
#43 Fill you arms with goodies, and walk confidently out the door.
Nine out of ten, it works for me.
#44 The mops in the houseware section when properly stained make a
great addition to a Milli Vanilli costume.
#45 The time spent riding city busses to get to the store is inversely
proportional to the quality of the carts found. (h)
#46 Beware of bad eye-hand coordination: Upon finding a rare cart,
you'll quickly grab it, only to realize, at the checkout, that you grabbed the Pong cart right next it. See rule #30 for the predictable result.
#47 Never gloat, it may spur someone else to visit your store more
frequently.
#48 When you first organize your collection, you'll realize that half
you collection is comprised of duplicate carts. Of course the duplicates
aren't ER's or anything.
#49 There's nothing like lurking from clothing island to clothing
island, all the while avoiding your family.
#50 Wear gloves when rummaging through piles of stuff at a thrift
store, you never know where it's been.....
Feel free to post up comments.
A_Username
$2 for an LP, $1 for a 45, $3 for an 8-track... They've gotten expensive. Somehow they think a Pentium 1 100 mhz machine is worth $100.