Tools. And their uses.

[G-force]

Got this from my dad. I don't know what half the tools are to be honest, but I still got a good laugh from it.

>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
>and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
>freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
>and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
>"Ouch...."
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
>in their holes until you die of old age.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
>Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
>unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
>the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
>is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
>the palm of your hand.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
>various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
>for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race
>out of.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
>cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
>9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been s earching for the last 15 minutes.
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
>the ground after you have installed your new disk brake
>pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
>off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
>hydraulic floor jack.
>
>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
>than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use
>anyway.
>
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
>strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
>has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
>handle.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
>a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
>which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
>aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
>same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
>the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
>dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
>used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
>bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
>rounds off their heads.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
>far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
>contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
>particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
>plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
>plastic parts.
>
>DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
>the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
>It is also the next tool that you will need.

[Kurt_]

Good stuff, good stuff.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

How true...

[marshallh]

Believe me, in the last few days working on my n64 case, I've got quite a bit of mileage out of the "DAMMIT" tool. I've thrown a pair of pliers, wire cutters, six screwdrivers, and various other implements in random directions, while being frustrated at the incredibly slow curing time of wood putty.

[Kurt_]

If I throw anything in my workshop I'll either break something of mine/Tims, my Mom's stained glas, or any of my chemicals. My damnit tool never existed

[Super Mulletman]

That sounds exactly like my dad, particularly the first and last one.

[timmeh87]

if you knock over my chemicals you are dead.





literally.

[Triton]

gotta love them volatiles but yea, thats funy, and marshall MY CASE KICKS YOUR CASES BUTT! lol

[codeman]

hahaha, the hand drill one is hilarious...mostly because i used to spend hours on end trying to drill stupid pop rivets at work!

[Wayne Venomous]

I hate E-Z outs. What started off as a snapped exhaust manifold bolt in an engine cylinder head ended up becoming an entire new cylinder head (£300!!!)

This reminds me of the Haynes car-repair manual guide:
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer, anticlockwise

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?


Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do these compare to the glow plugs in your Triumph? If you cannot locate the glow plugs in your Triumph see the last translation on the list!

NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

[bicostp]

Yeah that sorta sounds like me. I can do stuff like basic car repairs, but sometimes I screw things up.

Bic's Guide to Changing Oil:

1. Set parking brake
2. get oil pan, fresh oil, fresh oil filter, funnel and one gallon container ready. Also grab some peper towels and a couple Metric sockets
3. Jack car up
4. Get under car only to find out it's too low
5. smack head on oil pan
6. smack head on bumper
7. jack car up further, place on jack stands
8. place oil pan under car and attempt to unscrew oil filter
9. Oil filter won't budge, turn harder and skin the heel of your hand trying to turn it
10. get ticked off and jam large screwdriver into filter and hit it with a hammer
11. loosen oil filter and remove it.
12. drop oil filter into oil pan, spatter dirty oil on yourself
13. when the oil stops flowing out from where the filter goes, remove plug screw
14. realise you grabbed the bad socket wrench and drop the socket into oil. more spattering
15. get the other wrench and the right size socket, loosen screw
16. take paper towel and grab the screw and remove it.
17. drain old oil
18. meanwhile, put a bit of oil on the new filter's gasket so it will work better and won't stick next time you change the oil
19. spend 5 minutes trying to find where the damn filter goes
20. attatch filter (finally)
21. begin adding fresh oil
22. suddenly remember plug screw from step 16, race back under the car as two quarts of fresh oil pours into the oil pan
23. put screw back into place
24. add the fresh oil
25. pull oil pan out from under car
26. check oil level with the dipstick
27. use the funnel to pour used oil into one gallon container
28. use the one gallon container to refill empty quart oil containers with old oil, box and bring it to the recycling center next time.
29. soak the socket you dropped in the used oil in kerosene to get all the oil off
30 lower the car and do this again 6 months or 3000 miles from now

[Wayne Venomous]

With my 1990 BMW 520i it's more like:

1) Notice oil light is starting to flicker on when going around corners at speed
2) Stop and put two quarts of oil in engine
3) Drive as normal for about a week
4) Go to 1)

It's pointless doing an oil change as the oil inside the engine is always clean! The engine has done 206,000 miles and still going so I don't want to disturb anything.

[MaDnEsS]

Believe me, in the last few days working on my n64 case, I've got quite a bit of mileage out of the "DAMMIT" tool. I've thrown a pair of pliers, wire cutters, six screwdrivers, and various other implements in random directions, while being frustrated at the incredibly slow curing time of wood putty.

i didnt get that fustrated when opening the N64 i actually got it open in less than 45min with pliers

[bicostp]

With my 1990 BMW 520i it's more like:

1) Notice oil light is starting to flicker on when going around corners at speed
2) Stop and put two quarts of oil in engine
3) Drive as normal for about a week
4) Go to 1)

It's pointless doing an oil change as the oil inside the engine is always clean! The engine has done 206,000 miles and still going so I don't want to disturb anything.

But if you're adding 2 quarts of oil every week or so, you're basically changing your oil 2 or 3 times a month, by my estimation!

That's why it probably is always clean; it's burning it off and you're adding fresh oil which dilutes the pollutants.

If it needs 2 quarts a week you seriously need to get it checked out. My dad's old '95 Sierra always burned oil, but he only needed to add a quart every month or two depending on how much it was used.

[kidw/32+systems]

if i ever had a dammit tool I'd be dead cause it would hit my car, 74 T/A, 84 Fiero, jeep or, 94 T/A and maybe bounce off them all fly out the door hit the old dodge then the saturn the van and the other truck

now make one for the Nintendo screwdriver

[Wayne Venomous]

But if you're adding 2 quarts of oil every week or so, you're basically changing your oil 2 or 3 times a month, by my estimation!

That's why it probably is always clean; it's burning it off and you're adding fresh oil which dilutes the pollutants.

If it needs 2 quarts a week you seriously need to get it checked out. My dad's old '95 Sierra always burned oil, but he only needed to add a quart every month or two depending on how much it was used.

Yeah, technically I'm changing the oil about twice a month. The best oil filter in the world isn't as good as changing the oil that regularly!
It's the same logic I apply to my VW Beetle. It doesn't even have an oil filter - just a "tea strainer" type thing and there's not one old VW Beetle out there that doesn't leak oil so it's better for the engine to leak out the oil and get fresh stuff rather than retain it.

My BMW is leaking from the edges of the sump so it needs a new gasket. Trouble is, it's a huge sump (6 cylinder engine!) and I'd need to dismantle half the suspension and remove the subframe in order to do that and I can't be bothered. I could take it to a garage but considering the car only cost £340 it's not worth it. I've had the car 6 months and covered 7000 miles so it's more than paid for itself. It's currently clocked up 206,839 miles and is still going!

Plus I just use the cheapest motor oil I can get from Asda - the cheapo oil will have leaked out long before it starts to break down!